Well, here I am again... the oh-so-unfaithful-blogger. Since the end of my internship in March... there have been so many new thoughts and adventures. And, of course, I'm weeks late on the update, but I know you'll forgive me... the few, the faithful, who will take the time to read my thoughts. It may be a bit scattered but below are bullet points of the most pertinent topics and revelations that have permeated my little brain here lately:
-The most overwhelming theme has been contentment. I feel too often we wish our lives away and always are looking for the next chapter. (And by "we" I very much so mean "I" but I'm hoping you may relate.) One thing my dad said in a sermon a few years back was "Bloom where you are planted." Honestly, I've been awful at this the past few years, but that's mostly because I haven't been planted. Since I left Maryland/Delaware/DC/Virginia/wherever-my-home-is for university in Tennessee in 2007, I have also gone to Swaziland for a semester, transferred to New York, spent 2 crazy weeks in the DR/Haiti, and now ending the final 4 months in Thailand. This summer I will spend in Colorado and hoping to return to the lovely DMV (as the kids call it these days... yup, so old). The biggest lesson and struggle has been to really BLOOM. I came to the point where I realized, "Oh man! I looooove Thailand and am so happy being here, but I am so entirely excited for the next couple chapters of my life" ...and what God has up those metaphorical sleeves. I'm in such a beautiful place
physically, yes. emotionally, yes. spiritually, yes. relationally, yes. mentally, yes. overall, YES! I love both where I am and where I'm going, and that my friends, is contentment!
-Although the March internship shindig was such an incredible journey, I left with many more questions then when I had started. I know my heart in really invested in international development, but my head was filled with overwhelming questions like: "What is the greatest need in development in a given community? What is the best approach/way to even help to meet those needs? If anything can't really be fixed/solved, what actually CAN be done? What's my role? Should I try to specialize in one aspect of development? Or continue to aim for a bigger picture? What is God calling me to do? How can I balance my passions and gifts with my calling?" I was engulfed and sinking in these and so many more questions, but I felt so much undeniable peace simultaneously.
-The past few years I've had a deep-rooted theme often consuming my thoughts and spiritual walk in the most beautiful way. This theme stems from two well-known, overused, cliché Bible passages. Both John 10:10's "abundant life" and Matthew 28:19&20's "go make disciples" command have been embedded in my heart and I simply cannot shake it. Here's the deal: I've gotten a tad bit of criticism for choosing to attend Christian universities. I was defensive at first, but as time went on I realized that "Christian" schools can be just as dark (if not more sometimes) than secular ones. I've learned this from my own personal struggles and my encounters with countless others battling depression, suicide, eating disorders, severe insecurities, and serious doubts about the God they try to believe in. This is where those themes come in... I found myself frustrated realizing how often Christians internally interpret "go make disciples" into "go make converts". Don't get me wrong here, I'm ALL about some evangelism... but what about the follow through? I have felt such a tug on my heart to try to reach out and help people break free of the chains that prevent them from being disciples, making disciples, and living life abundantly and to the absolute fullest. Honestly, I've failed much more than I've succeeded... and a lot times I'm still preaching to myself about living abundantly. But that doesn't mean I can sit around and continue to be ineffective. The last thing the world needs is more completely ineffective Christians. And that's often our weakest point. I know it's mine... I have a story to tell. God didn't let me go through a lot of difficult things for me to keep silent. Sharing ourselves and being vulnerable provides healing for us and hopefully encouragement for others. In addition to all of this, I've realized these themes have seeped into my academic life and future career ideas. My view of development has shifted... I cannot justify using mere economic terms or hackneyed jargon. To me... the heart of development should be to empower people to be able to have life more abundantly. (Not in a material sense, but having enough to not just survive each day, but to truly thrive and to be and make more disciples.) I have no idea if this makes sense at all... I have no idea who is reading this... but I do know I needed to share it... even if it's for my own sake I guess.
-I have learned heaps and heaps about friendship and community. This is what happens when there are 9 girls living in ONE room. I remember when I first transferred to Houghton and was so incredibly miserable and lonely. It was in that time that I knew God was teaching me to stand alone (A lesson my grandmother shared with me that she had also learned in her college days.)
Well, Jeremiah 17:5-8 is my life passage... It says, "5 This is what the LORD says:“Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh, and whose heart turns away from the LORD. 6 That person will be like a bush in the wastelands; they will not see prosperity when it comes. They will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. 7 “But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. 8 They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”
So I clung to that in those times. BUT as I was in my philosophy class those first weeks... for some reason we started our curriculum by reading Ecclesiastes. We discussed how Solomon goes on his chapters of ranting but then admits that friendship is in fact NOT meaningless and that "a cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Ecc 4:12 And, oh wait... wasn't Adam lonely in the garden, so God took Eve from out of his side and created her to help meet his needs? ... So there is a delicate balance to be found between relying too much on humans and self-ostracizing or being a religious hermit. Also, Proverbs 27:17 talks about iron sharpening iron... I realized that's a painful process (if iron had feeling/emotions and didn't compose inanimate objects of course) and it takes heat, friction, and mutuality (hence the iron sharpening iron), but in the end... it's SO worth it. All I know is friendship is important, but God is so much more and so sovereign. I've learned a lot about the concept sovereignty having lived in two monarchies/kingdoms in the '08 and '11, but that's for another day.
-The quote from the title of this post is from Shawshank Redemption and I just find it so encouraging even if the movie is a bit rough and bloody at points. It spoke volumes to me so I thought I'd share it.
Okay, those are just some things I've been wrestling through not just the past few weeks, but the past few years. This is what's deep in my heart and I'd love some feedback if you're willing. Email... tiffany.dukes11@houghton.edu
Ps. latest adventures not yet mentioned in le blog: beach trip... it rained but was an amazing bonding time with the girls as we reunited after practicum. Also, we discovered the Andaman Sea is partially bioluminiscent (aka mini microorganisms that light up like fireflies when you touch the water.) I had experienced it once before in Puerto Rico, but the surprise of finding it here was just fantastic. It's such a magical/magnificent wonder of God really. We also went to the 06 Tsunami Memorial which was sobering. And, we've had classes and have gotten so many great nuggets of wisdom. Last weekend we went to Mae Sai/Golden Triangle and crossed the border into Burma. We went to the Hall of Opium which is one of the most eye-opening museums I've ever been to. It was heartbreaking to see the effects of drug trade and consumption. I got food poisoning again, but I'm healthy now... maybe. However, on a much lighter note... this week is Songkran- a national holiday of a 3 days water war where everyone is fair game for buckets, hoses, and water guns! Okay, The end!
Much love and peace,
Tiffany Noel
